My apologies in advance for the profanity and cynicism in this post. I wrote it a long time ago and I post it now because I think others will relate to it and I want them to know that it is possible to move past this. It’s not a good place to be.
Conversation with an X-therapist:
Me: “I have a hard time with relationships.”
Him: “I guess it all comes down to that ‘T’ word.”
Me: (venturing a guess) “Try harder?”
Him: No not “try harder”. TRUST.
Well that didn’t work out. (He got sued for his counseling “practices” but not by me. Instead, I wrote scathing journal entries about it and quit therapy.)
May 14, 2001
The “Double Bind”. Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. How many times have I found myself in that predicament? People put me in this bind. I put myself in it. And I believe God puts me in it. And from there… the bottom line is trust?
I trust no one. I don’t trust what’s said to me and I don’t trust what I hear. I don’t trust what I think and I don’t trust what I know. Nothing and no one can be trusted. Nothing and no one is safe:
I can only do what I know how to do – do it as much and as hard as I can, and that is all I can trust to be “true”. My performance.
And of course it has to be perfect.
Do you hear my anger? It’s there in the words I scream when my performance is challenged. What if what I can do for you is not good enough?
So I rage: “Is it perfect now?! Is it?! Because I want it to be fucking perfect!”
Oh if you could taste the venom behind those words.
It is NEVER perfect.
It is always a struggle.
I am so tired.