Tag Archives: attachment

Conversation with an X therapist

My apologies in advance for the profanity and cynicism in this post.  I wrote it a long time ago and I post it now because I think others will relate to it and I want them to know that it is possible to move past this.  It’s not a good place to be.


Conversation with an X-therapist:

Me: “I have a hard time with relationships.”

Him: “I guess it all comes down to that ‘T’ word.”

(long pause)

Me: (venturing a guess) “Try harder?”

He laughs.

Him: No not “try harder”. TRUST.

Well that didn’t work out. (He got sued for his counseling “practices” but not by me.   Instead, I wrote scathing journal entries about it and quit therapy.)

May 14, 2001

The “Double Bind”. Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. How many times have I found myself in that predicament? People put me in this bind. I put myself in it. And I believe God puts me in it. And from there… the bottom line is trust?

I trust no one. I don’t trust what’s said to me and I don’t trust what I hear. I don’t trust what I think and I don’t trust what I know. Nothing and no one can be trusted. Nothing and no one is safe:

Not me.

Not you.

Not God.

I can only do what I know how to do – do it as much and as hard as I can, and that is all I can trust to be “true”. My performance.

And of course it has to be perfect.

Do you hear my anger? It’s there in the words I scream when my performance is challenged. What if what I can do for you is not good enough?

So I rage: “Is it perfect now?! Is it?! Because I want it to be fucking perfect!”

Oh if you could taste the venom behind those words.

It is NEVER perfect.

It is always a struggle.

I am so tired.

P3222803mar 2013 d2And2more_fused

Inside

29

August 2000

INSIDE

(My response to someone commenting on my lack of ability to make eye contact.)


Please don’t look at me.

I’m not what you think you see.

There’s less here than you can believe.

I can’t look at you.

My eyes might not lie…

They might just reveal

that thing my soul needs most

To conceal.

Over there.  Not here.

Here is too close.

Look where I’m looking –

There’s your safe place.

Watch me from a distance

While I guard this space.

I know that you feel like

You’re missing something now –

But there is nothing to miss.

There is nothing where

You would look anyhow.

It is best this way.

Perhaps you will imagine well.

Better, it is, for you to believe

There was something there–

Than to look and see

There was nothing at all!

And if you looked and you saw

There was nothing to see –

Don’t you see?

That is why I hide.

You can pretend there were

Great and Beautiful things–

If you could see them–

Inside.